Are White Women Tainted If They Date Black Males?

One Gentleman's Perspective

funny gifs

In a general sense, people are afraid to speak freely. I am not referring to provocateurs and professional victims, residing in places where it rains pancake syrup, and rainbows are made of skittles.

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It’s been a long while and I will tell you why…

It is so crazy how things change in an instant. I created this blog because I was so inconsolably sad about my break up and felt like writing in this blog would help make me feel better, take some of the hurt away. And I guess, for a period of time it did. And then I felt like I could deal with what was going on all by myself. I became more confident and content with being alone and the posts got shorter, less frequent. All of a sudden, I kind of forgot about this thing.

I also found love again. So, yeah, that helps too. But it is different this time. This time, I feel more confident with myself. I am not always questioning the relationship. I am not having to wonder whether or not he’s going to put a ring on it. It’s a weird feeling going from being constantly concerned with something every day of your existence to not worrying about it at all. This is how it started….

I went with my friend, C, to a concert in East Atlanta this summer. I had no idea who the bands were, what kind of music they played, nothing. But, I told myself that I needed to be more open to new experiences. I could not just live my life anymore on someone else’s schedule or being scared of putting myself out there. So, I am standing with C before the next band started and I see this gorgeous, tall, blond in front of me. He turns around with his friend and they start talking to us. My initial reaction was Holy shit. Is this guy really interested in me?! He’s a hottie boom lottie!

I played it cool though. He asked me what I was doing at this show and I admitted to him that I was just here because I had decided I needed to say “yes” to more things. His response was, “Well perfect because I want to take you out.” So we exchanged phone numbers and went out separate ways with our friends. He came back to me at the end of the show, told me he would call me later in the week and then shook my hand. I thought it was so weird, but absolutely memorable.

A week later, he picked me up for our first date. During this date, we totally hit it off. He told me about his Masters in International Education and told me that he wanted to go teach English in another country for a little while. I told him about my passion for Immigrant students and working with English Language Learners and their families in school. We also realized that we had both recently gotten out of long relationships (His was five years long) It was an amazing date. He was gorgeous, smart, compassionate, and I caught a feeling.

After that weekend, we started to hang out more often. We went on dates around town, met each other’s friends, watched football games together. But we both wanted to take things really slow because we had both been heartbroken so recently. After pretending not to be boyfriend and girlfriend for three months, we went to a bar with his friends and he held me in his arms and asked me, “Natalie, are you my girlfriend?”

That was the end of it. I now have a boyfriend. 

We have said the I love yous, binge watched Netflix together while binge eating pizza. We have created our routines of dollar fish tacos on Sundays and calling each other at 4:30 everyday.

Here comes the zinger….

So, remember, this man wanted to work in International Education? Well, that sometimes sends people to far off places. A couple days ago some amazing stuff happened. I was accepted to a PhD program to get my Doctorate in Counselor Education and Supervision, a dream that I have been thinking about for a few years now. Then, 24 hours after realizing I had committed myself to living in Atlanta for four years, he found out he would be leaving to Cuenca, Ecuador for six months. 

I was definitely devastated at first. Who was I going to get evening pizza with every Sunday? But this is his dream! I had to support him. So the solution? I’d travel to Ecuador before I have to start my program so I can break up the months I will be without him.

The problem? It’s fucking expensive to go to Ecuador.

Next solution? I started a FundAnything page. I wanted to see if I could get support in my romance. And it was worth a try. So I am giving it a shot. If you know anyone else that advocates for love, then please send them to this link.

I would greatly appreciate all the help I can get.

My Top Five

I have this friend, A. He is one of the most real and honest people I know. He does not sugarcoat anything, which at one point really made me hate him. Then I realized that even though he was an asshole, he was a loyal friend. He has been around for a good amount of my heartbreaks and knows some of my deepest, darkest secrets. To have a friend that you can share almost everything with, know they would never use it against you, but will ask you questions and tell you things that nobody else would ever think to say is the greatest treasure. If you find someone like this, promise yourself you will keep them in your life forever.

Anyway, every weekday, we talk on the phone at 8:00 pm. We talk about various things going on in our lives. Recently, he asked me a lot of questions about my ex. I never knew what he thought about him. I guess now I know it was because he really did not care about him at all. He did not love him or hate him. I don’t really think that’s a good thing at all.

Then, he asked me what my top five things would be in a partner, in no particular order. I chose very quickly and I’m not sure that I’m 100% about them, but I will share:

Sense of humor

Physical attraction

Someone who is open to expressing their feelings

Honesty

Sociable

Now that I’ve had some time to think about it, I think I would take out sense of humor and change it to compassionate or even passionate. I have some a deep passion for helping children and education that sometimes I catch myself talking people’s ears off about it and start to feel a little guilty. But, it’s because I found a career doing what I care about. I don’t need to find someone that is as compassionate for others or passionate about education as I am, but damn, can I find a man that cares about something as much as I love the things I do?! My ex seemed to have the passion for things–specifically music, which I loved, but maybe was not as compassionate as I would have liked.

The other thing A asked me to do was to pick my number one thing. This was a challenge for me. I think I would choose someone who is open to expressing your feelings. I think it’s the biggest take away from my last relationship. It feels awful when you think everything is fine until you get upset and then you learn the other person actually has a list of things they are also annoyed with you about. I don’t want to feel like I have to read your mind to find out how you feel about me. I want to know if I made you upset. Hell, I want to know if I am rockin’ it at making you feel good. But it you tell me nothing about your feelings, I can’t progress with keeping you happy in a relationship. And for a self-proclaimed people pleaser, that does not keep me happy in a relationship.

It was very interesting to think about all of this, since I have kind of avoided thinking about traits in a longterm mate since my break up. What do you think your top five would be?

 

Therapy for the therapist

So it has been awhile! I have been away from the blog for a hot minute. This has been mostly to not having internet for two weeks. I thought it was going to be a nightmare, but it was not too bad. It gave me time to catch up with old friends on the phone and read! I also started work, so that has taken up a good portion of my life. I am a school counselor, so I end up having to listen to a lot of problems–not just from kids, but from my coworkers too. It seems like a lot to take on, but I do love hearing people’s stories and helping them work through their issues. However, with this comes a whole lot of stress and frustration. There’s also an expectation that you have no worries in the world that you need help solving.

But, obviously, that is not the case. I have had multiple issues in my life before my break up, but this really has been the catalyst to me deciding to see a therapist. I think if you are going to talk about it, you have to be about it. To me, that meant if I was going to encourage others to seek a therapist’s perspective about their issues, I should be doing the same when I am going through stuff. It’s funny, because my therapist actually informed me that she also has someone she talks regularly.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I have some amazing people in my life that I can go to at the drop of a hat. But the difference between a friend and a therapist is that I have the control of what I want my therapist to know and what I don’t. My mom and friends and siblings know a lot about me because they have been a part of my life and experienced many of my issues with me. But my therapist only knows what I am willing to tell her. Of course, I am open and honest with her. And she asks me tough questions that my loved ones may be nervous to ask.

The first time that I went, I spent a good portion of the time crying. I told her things that I thought would never come up in our first session. But, when I walked out, I felt so good. I felt like some of my burden had been lifted from my shoulders. I did not think that there was any sort of solution that we could come up with together, but I just really felt that I just needed to hear from someone that was not from my life and remind me that I had more control than I wanted to believe.

The second time I went, was much more solution focused. We came up with strategies together and I had homework. I was much more comfortable with her, even though I had only known her for a short period of time.

I really am moving forward. I feel much stronger than I was at the beginning of this break up. I think many things have helped, but I am proud of where I am. I haven’t seen him at all. I have talked to him (That’s for another post), but I am happy with who I am and where I am.

Have you ever gone to therapy? How did it make you feel? Sometimes it can be a dangerous circle that you get into where some people use their therapist as a crutch. Would you agree?

 

Put it all out there

So I decided to post my first blog post on this other blog called The Fickle Heartbeat. I knew I would be very vulnerable, but I guess I did not know how much it would affect me. I read the comments after work today and this one stood out to me:

Did he not want to get married at all, or was this more along the lines of he did not take the steps, to meet your deadline of 2014′s summer? I nor anyone else can tell you how to feel. What I can say is this: there is no deadline for a marriage. I have several acquaintances, friends and relatives, where the partners provided deadlines or forced the topic of marriage.

The wording would be different, but the general idea was this: “This is insane. She is telling me we have to get married by this date or else. Who does that? I have not settled into my career as I would like and neither has she. I am not going anywhere, but things just have not been positioned to take that step. Yeah, we have been together for X amount of years, but you want to make sure things are in order before taking that step. This is like an ultimatum and even my parents think it is crazy. Why can’t she just relax?”

I will get personal for a bit. I am a newlywed, but before the wedding, I was with my wife for six years. We discussed a wedding when the timing was best suited. The topic was never forced on my end or hers. We always knew the direction we were heading, so she never felt the need to force the issue. Marriage became the natural progression in the relationship…not one she gave an ultimatum on. This is why I asked whether he did not want to marry you at all, or did not want to meet your deadline.

Now that the relationship between you guys has “dissolved” romantically, moving will equate to additional finances. If you are willing to take on these additional obligations, then moving may suit you best, since you want nothing to do with him. However, I would object to leaving. I do not know if the relationship dissolved because of the wedding ultimatum or for other reasons, but if this was purely about the wedding…you should be able to remain platonic. You do not need to be best friends, but the breakup was not due to domestic violence, him cheating with five exotic dancers or undermining your worth. I would not move…moving really sucks.

It kind of made me feel guilty for what I had done and made me feel a little regretful.

I’ve been having daily phone calls with my old friend, A, who I lost touch with because he had be dating my best friend E. They recently broke up–see second post–and we have started to get back in touch. I told him about the comment and he suggested I respond to the comment in my blog.

I don’t know whether or not it was just the marriage or something else that gave me the courage to let go. I think it will take me awhile to really come to terms with what it truly was. And I know I set a precedent of giving the world a story of my life, but I do not know how much I want to share about him. We aren’t together, but I still do want to respect him because I would wish the same from him for me.

What I can tell you is that he had a ring. He told me he had a ring, his mom told me he had a ring, we were all perfectly aware that the ring was somewhere around me for three years of our relationship. That truly killed me. I do not know what would have happened had I not known. Maybe I would not have completely obsessed over the idea of getting married if I didn’t know. What I do know is that the idea of him having a ring and only giving it to me when he was ready made me feel like I was not worthy of having that ring. That there was something that I had done that made him feel uncomfortable at the idea of getting married. So, no matter what he may have said about not worrying about it, because he never gave me a reason, but continued to tell me he would do it when he woke up one morning and felt ready, I constantly worried.

That is not a way to live in a relationship. At least I do not think it is. So yeah, maybe it felt like there was nothing so awful as cheating or physically hurting me, but I still felt like something was dangling in front of me. I felt like it was not about us but it was about him. I felt like his future was more about what he wanted, which was to only think about what is happening right now, not about what we wanted in the long term. And I guess no matter how long my heart wanted to wait it out, my head kept reminding me that could see beyond the here and now.

So thanks, One Gentleman, for your comments. After writing this, I think I’m feeling a little bit more confident about my decision.

Find your Ohms

Yoga. Before I got out of my relationship, when people would ask me if I liked to do yoga I would tell them I hated it. I guess I thought it was a little cheesy. You sat around with a bunch of people and sometimes chanted, contorted yourself in silly ways, and got way too up close and personal with people you may have never met. I had taken a few classes here and there and just was not very into it.

My friend AH is very into it. She has gone on yoga retreats around the world and, while I was visiting, was starting yoga teacher training. She seemed to love it and I knew multiple people that swore by it. So when I was with her, I made her teach me a class. Then, we finished with 20 minutes of meditation.

Going through a break up is a total lifestyle change, especially when you were living together. The things that were comfortable for you before may seem incredibly terrifying. And the things that seemed out of your comfort zone before, well, they sometimes become part of your routine.

I read a book called Being Peace by Thich Nhat Hanh this summer that probably changed most of my perspective on yoga and meditation. I learned that meditation was all about reminding yourself that you had control of your mind and your actions and that was it. That sometimes there is suffering happening all around us and that we can choose to let it burden us or we can choose to focus our energy on the other beautiful things happening in the world.

The first time I remember thinking about this book in my own life was when I had to pick out furniture for my new bedroom. My friend S, whose husband had been in contact with my ex, gave me some tough news. When I was still thinking that  my ex and I had a chance of working everything out and getting back together, she reminded me that for us to get back together both of us would need to want that. And she knew that he didn’t. It was a tough pill to swallow in the mall parking lot, with my mom sitting next to me that day (My mom loved my ex almost as much as I did). I sobbed and heaved in the car. My mom just sat there, holding my hand. But I had to get out of the car, and move on.

As I made my way into the mall, there was a little girl standing at the door. She could not have been a day older than 4. When she saw me, she opened the door for me and smiled. Even though I had been uncontrollably sobbing moments before, I looked at that little girl, smiled a big smile, and thanked her. It changed my channel, I moved from being sad and broken, to being happy and hopeful.

Don’t get me wrong, I still had moments in the mall where I had to sit and cry or hold back tears, but for that short moment, I was able to let it go.

The book goes on to talk about being mindful and using meditation as a way to regroup and live presently. Yoga seems to be an extension of that for me. I have started to go more regularly and I can feel myself growing strength in my body and my mind. It has been fabulous. When I wake up in the morning, I’ll take about ten minutes to meditate. If I start to feel a little off, I may do meditation throughout the day. It is what I have found to help me get through the days where I feel like the future is a scary place and long for the past. That’s not a good place to live your life. The present is much more realistic.

At the end of yoga practice, my favorite part is always the meditation. Thoughts sometimes come into your head–guilt, worry, urgency. I say to myself when I hear these thoughts during my practice, I am here because I am happy. I am because I am here and am loved and appreciate by myself and so many others. Then I take a deeper breath and smile.

The most important part is to smile.

Make Light of Situations….

So, let’s get down to some funny stuff, shall we? I’ve never been the one to be overly confident in myself. But ever since this break up, I’ve realized that there are guys out there that are attracted to me. I’m not sure what exactly it is–one guy seemed to be drawn to the low cut dress I was wearing that day, another my tattoos, and another by my beautiful mind. I guess you could say, I’m a well rounded person? I don’t know.

I’m going to start with the very first encounter I had at a bar, during the day, in San Francisco, surrounded by my dear friends. They decided to take me to a street festival called Union Street Festival. It was just like most street festivals, vendor booths lining the streets, selling dresses, food, jewelry. G had wanted so badly to have brunch at this restaurant that served various sliders and yummy alcoholic concoctions. Unfortunately, they had cancelled that for the festival. So, we walked around and admired the crafts and chatted. Our friend, V, was leaving us to fly home to visit her dad, who had been in the hospital and we all wanted to soak up as much time with her as possible.

When she had to leave, we decided day drinking was in order for the rest of us. I mean, we were vacationing with all our ladies together and none of us had anywhere to be! So we came to the place that G wanted to visit in the first place. It’s one of the only bars/restaurants in the area that has an outdoor space. Let me tell you, for how beautiful it was that day and for the amount of people that were also attending the festival, that outdoor space may as well have been a crawl space. For a girl having bad anxiety issues that week, it was a nightmare. Luckily, I was with my girls, who were completely understanding. I knew I just had to push through this moment of anxiety and just enjoy my company. So I did.

I was enjoying the one of only cocktail I had that day and I noticed this very tall man that kept looking at me. He had some facial hair, was wearing an outfit I would associate with casual Friday attire at a law firm, and just seemed to be a little out of place.

At first, I thought I was going a little crazy. Maybe he was not looking at me, but at someone around me. After he ordered a drink at the bar, he started in. Ugh.

Guy: My name is Blah Blah (sorry can’t remember!). What do you do?

Me: My name is N. I work at a school right now.

Guy: But what do you WANT to do?

Me: Uh well I’m thinking about a PhD because I think I want to be a professor

Guy: No, but what do you WANT to do?

Me: I’m sorry, what?

Is it so hard for someone to believe that I am 27 years old and am not sure that I know what I WANT to do for the rest of my life?! I mean, believe me, I am a pretty motivated person. I love the career path that I am on and would love to stay in this place, but I don’t know what my forever is going to look like. Especially at the time of this conversation. I had only been out of what I thought was my forever relationship for a week. So committing to anything, even a choice of where to eat, was a difficult task for me. Don’t worry, though, this conversation continued.

Guy: Well it’s my 41st (OMG) birthday and my friends and I came out here to celebrate. Where are you from?

Me: I live in Atlanta, but I grew up in Palm Springs

Guy: Oh! I live in Santa Monica, I work for some firm doing some stupid shit that you probably don’t care about (sorry, can’t remember that either). I don’t think I want to do this forever. I’m pretty conservative. But I just tell myself what I WANT to do all the time because eventually that will be what I do.

So, this part seemed like a good idea. I mean, if we want to change our lives or want something for ourselves, we absolutely should tell ourselves that it is what we are going to get. Isn’t that the whole concept of that book The Secret? You have to put it out in the universe that you will get something, and then you will get it. Simple as that. I was starting to get more intrigued by this weird back and forth even though I kind of felt like this stranger was asking me some deep questions about my life that I was not ready for in an overcrowded bar. But then, he made it even worse.

Guy: So you said you were from Palm Springs, right? You know, Obama is going to be there this weekend.

Me: Yep, I heard

Guy: Well, my boss actually found that house for the Obama’s that they will be staying in this weekend.

Wow. Please let me get into your pants right now. Yeah, no. He then reminded me throughout the conversation about three more times. The more times he said it, the more badly I wanted him to go away. He had a friend that came over and started talking to me. The friend was so much more relaxed and did not seem so involved in pursuing me. I actually enjoyed his company. The Blah Blah, in front of me, started arguing with the friend.

Blah Blah: Dude man, wtf?! I would never come up to a girl you were trying to talk to and start talking to her. What are you doing?

Bro casually walks away after some inaudible banter.

Me (in my head and to AI, my friend who was standing next to me): Uhh I’m standing right fucking here.

Are all guys this desperate? I doubt it. But it was just so weird to be pursued in this way. I can’t lie, I loved the attention, but I just wanted to have a good time with my girls. And I think I’m going to continue to focus on that. It’s a good story to laugh about, though. Word of advice to guys, read the signs. Body language tells you everything. If I am clearly moving away from you and turning toward my girls, it’s your cue to go hang out with your bros. Especially on your 41st birthday.

“Begin at the beginning,” the King said, very gravely, “and go on till you come to the end: then stop.”

So it has been a month, but I think I want to go back in time. I think it will help me celebrate where I am now and how far I’ve come.

That first week was the WORST. I remember going out to eat with my friend at Neptune’s Net near Malibu (I will have to try it again because I’m sure it is amazing when you are not depressed). I started breathing heavy, got shifty eyes, and insisted on leaving.

My view from the top of Sandhill that day

My view from the top of Sandhill that day

If you’re ever in Southern California, driving up PCH, you will see this giant sandhill. People visit it all the time and I think it was on an episode of KUWTK. I ran up the hill with my best friend. I wanted to give up the whole time, but when you get up there, it is an amazing view. I remember just continuing to tell myself You are going to be okay. Whether he comes back or not you, will survive. I don’t think I really believed it, but I just needed to get myself out of thinking about how miserable I was. I so badly wanted him back.

I spent most of my time that week trying to be around someone at all times. I made my sister or my friend, E, sleep in bed with me every night that week with the TV on (in case I woke up and they were asleep).

The following weekend, I went on my first trip to San Francisco ever. I always get surprise and amazement from this statement because I grew up in California and, now that I’ve been there, I’m pretty surprised myself. What a city! It is so beautiful and there are just so many beautiful people and things to see. I met up with my core group of girlfriends from high school. We were just missing one. I cannot even tell you the last time we were all together like that. Or at least that I was part of the group that was actually together and not the one missing. We went out to dinner and I could not drink because I was feeling so anxious. At that point, I had only been out in the world during daylight. The night time was still scary for me.

We came back to our friend’s apartment and sat around chatting as if nobody had missed a beat with one another. My friend, V, was playing with my hair. AH was trying to get us to all take a selfie where we all looked good. And all of a sudden, my friend R turned to all of us and gave us the most amazing news: My very first best friend from childhood was going to have a BABY.

This, ladies and gentleman, was probably one of the first moments where I actually felt like the break up was a blessing. If I had been with my boyfriend, I would have NEVER been sitting there with my oldest friends finding out this amazing news. So many feelings rushed through me: nervousness, happiness, fear, excitement. I’m going to be a fucking auntie!

We get so caught up in our relationships with our significant other that we forget how important our friends truly are. I felt a wave a guilt being in San Francisco that weekend. It was so easy for these girls to pick back up where we left off, to let me cuddle with them on the couch and vent out the feelings that I had about my world that I barely let them into when I was in it. I remember even looking around when G was getting cranky because she was tired and we were all arguing about where to sleep and just smiling in gratitude. It felt exactly like it had so many years ago.

When I was flying back to Los Angeles, I remember thinking to myself

If nothing else comes out of these miserable moments I am having, I’ve learned my lesson. I cannot forgo the amazing, positive friendships I’ve created for any man, ever again. They are absolutely too precious.

It’s not at all that he made me let go of those friendships, but I put more value in my boyfriend than I put in my girlfriends. I never want to do that again. The balance between the two is what can keep us sane and humble. I guess because I was so young when I started my relationship I forgot. I mean, I moved across the country for this guy. I thought he was my life partner. And these girls didn’t have to make that commitment to me. But they did. And look who is still around.

So This is My Life….

It sounds crazy right?! I guess I will start at the beginning of this whole journey to write a blog.

Last month, I asked my boyfriend of six years (not to mention had been living with for five of those years) if he was planning on proposing to me by this summer. The previous summer I had told him that I wanted to be engaged by this summer or I was going to leave. I mean, come on, we had been dating for so long and I ain’t gettin’ any younger, amirite?!

His response crushed me. I felt like I had spiraled into another universe and I did not know who or where I was anymore. I spent that night with him on the couch and me in the bed feeling like a ton of bricks were on my chest. It was one of the worst feelings I had ever experienced in my life. How could someone who had told me constantly not to worry because it was going to happen, just be willing to lose me so easily?

I went to work the next day and spent most of the day crying in my office, in the hallways, everywhere. Luckily, I was going to California that evening and I could escape having to be around him.

We shared an amazing dog together, which was probably harder to lose than him. I know what you’re thinking–why the FUCK did you let him take the dog?! The answer is, I did not want to fight about any more than I had. The dog needed an owner that wasn’t going to have to jet off to California to visit family or run to another state to celebrate her friends (Most of my closest girlfriends live out of the state). So, I came home from work, packed my bags, gave him my last shot at trying to get him back, and said my tearful farewell to my dog.

I had to come back to Atlanta for a few days to finish up work and, thankfully, he was not there. I booked another flight to California and spent a month coping. I had to get used to sleeping in a bed alone again, waking up without someone in my home again, being a single lady in a world where my best friends are getting engaged, having babies, or on the path toward all of that shit. It was daunting.

I met a lot of people along the way to where I am now (I’ll get to some of them later), I lost a shit ton of weight, and I started some new activities (yoga, meditation, etc) which I’m sure I’ll get into later!

I decided it would be best to move into a place with roommates, which proved to be a difficult feat because: 1) I was in California and did not want to come back to Atlanta anytime soon, 2) Everyone I knew here was living with a SO or were already in a lease, 3) I barely knew ANYBODY. I had gotten so comfortable being in a relationship that I just relied on him to keep me company (BIG mistake, ladies! We know we have all done it).

So I hopped on Craigslist and started my search. I ended up meeting two girls around my age with a cute place close to everything I knew. It was perfect, they seemed great, I jumped right in!

I moved into my place the weekend after the 4th of July. One of my best friends flew into town and helped me get everything out of my old place and into the new one. Thankfully, my mom took pity on me too. She had all my furniture delivered and set up at the new place, hired movers to get stuff out of the old place, and paid for all the things I refused to take that we shared. It made for less emotion, but the waves kept coming. I would find myself staring at items and just sitting around because I was not ready to say that I moved on. After completing the move of all of my stuff and having most things put away I sat with my best friend on my new bed, with beautiful new sheets, staring at all my beautiful new things, and cried. Breaking up is so fucking hard.

I knew I had to move forward and I was going to be fine. I mean, we had not spoken since the break up and there was no reason to. It was going to be a clean break and I was going to be fine….until…..

One Friday night, a new friend of mine (I started reaching out to single people that I knew I could connect with and this girl was really cool) invited me out to a bar where she knew one of the bartenders. I, for the first time since the break up, actually got a little drunk! It was a fun, silly, good time with a new friend. This guy came up to me–super tall, had a Southern drawl, and told me he played football. We sat and we talked–we had really nothing to talk about besides the fact that he was pretty and thought I was pretty cute too. My friend got a little taken over by her lack of impulse control and decided to push all the beer taps at the bar so there was beer spilling all over the floor of the bar. Needless to say, we got kicked out. So, as we waited to get our tabs outside, this football man (I don’t know that I should call him a man, He could not have been a day over 23) kissed me. I had not kissed anyone for SIX years besides one guy. It was a confidence boost, but also very sad for me.

I woke up the next morning feeling lonely, hungover, with the shakes. I called my mom and cried on the phone with her about how hard this whole stupid break up was and how I just wanted to be around people. She offered to fly me back out to California. I told her that would be crazy. And then started calling anyone I knew to talk to me or come over. Mine and my ex’s mutual friend came over that same afternoon. She came inside to tour my place and look around. Once she had finished the tour, she gave me the craziest news I could have ever gotten: The ex-boyfriend that I thought I was going to be able to avoid in the big city of Atlanta was living five houses down from me!

It was insane. How does that even happen? What are the odds of that happening? I spent the night trying to keep it out of my head because there was nothing I could do about it. I was just going to get over the thought of having to see him and let things happen the way they were dealt. If I saw him, I saw him. If I didn’t, I didn’t. Well….

The next day, I decided to go to a yoga class at my gym. I was driving down the street and there he was, walking our dog on my street. I could not believe my eyes. I did not feel like I could zen out after seeing him, so I turned the car around parked and walked over to him. We talked for an hour and a half. We talked about how we dealt with the break up, our families, our friends, and us. 

It was weird to talk about us. We both knew that it was better this way, but I so badly wanted him to want me regardless of me knowing better. I was lonely and so was he. And he had my dog! But I had to be a big girl and just deal. I had to say that no matter what, I knew deep down that he was not my forever. That is a tough pill to swallow. He wants to be friends eventually. I don’t. He took most of our friends in Atlanta. I had to go on a search. As much as I was dreading that conversation, it is probably what saved me from myself.

I ended up locking myself out of my new place that day and, as I sat on the porch, waiting for my roommate to come home, I talked to a friend about what had just happened.

“Holy shit, you should write a blog. People cannot even make this up”

 

So here I am. I decided to write a blog. I want to write about the misadventures of this journey. I think it will help me and help you. Because no matter what you have to keep looking forward because we cannot go back.